Fix You.

I need this right now.
I need to put this on words.
I need this to lessen my negative vibes.
I need to express myself right now.
I need to escape from reality for a while.

Yes, I've been officially employed at my dream school... St. Paul College of Pasig (Davao Campus)
Yes, I was overwhelmed by the sudden news.
Yes, I felt productive, bless and happiness this very day.
YET...
I thought of someone, someone who would feel being left behind. Someone who will think she's not belong to the group. Someone who will think when we are gathered, she will be out of place.
That someone is my friend, one of my colleagues in college.
I've always thought of her. Since the very day we sent our resume and application letter. The day she proclaimed the disappointment she have when we went to the institution. It was hassle, hard to reach place and all.
That very day, I saw in her eyes the discouragement.
That very day, she was so transparent on what will happen for the next days if we will continue.
That very day, she lost the interest she should have as a fresh graduate.
That very day, I gave up on motivating her.
That very day, I said to myself... "I've made my part."

And now, I was on the midst of realizations...

• Left behind.
• Out of place.
• Not belong.
• Being hurt.
• Self-pity.

I don't mean to make her feel like that.... but look what's happening now?
I told my friends. Our circle of friends. And they always say... "Claire, you've made your part. We've made our part. We motivated her, she was the one who gave up."
Half of me, saying: "Don't give up. She needs someone who could understand her. You know her personality for the last 4 years, stand on her side."
The other half saying, "She gave up. She lost her interest. Just let her decide on her own."

This is going insane.
I could be insane anytime.
This feeling is insane.


Now, I'm trying to recover. I'm trying to cheer up. I'm trying to fix you.
But, I don't know how. I don't know how to approach you. I don't know how to make you feel better.
I don't want to let you feel pity about yourself. I don't want you to think you're hopeless. I don't want you to think it's over.

Remember friend, if you need to talk to me. I'm very much open. If you think I'm too busy listening to your regrets. Well, you've got it wrong. I'll make time, listening to you. I'll let you say all your frustrations. I'll listen. If you need advice, I could give anything but don't expect that I can cure it.
I care. I don't cure.

Still, I'm blessed that I've got my position on my dream institution. My first love. I feel so great being part of their team. Thank you for the abundant grace and blessings, oh Lord! I offer these all for You. I'll do my very best to be more flexible in every thing. This would be my training ground, turning point. This experience will not be easy but with your guidance and provision, I can do it all.

Caritas Christi Urget Nos

At the Beginning.

Every beginning has its ending.Every ending has its reason.Every reason that will start again on new chapter of your life.Every life that has many opportunities.Every opportunities that would change your decisions in life.

Today, I decided to give my shot at the recommended school my co-YFC told me. She told me last time, during our discovery camp, that the school her mom was working in was urgently hiring for teachers. My instant reply was "thank you for the offer". It was really a blessing. Because of what she shared, we become instant best friends. We have long, night conversations and we were next to each other before we sleep. Fortunately, we came from same school in Elementary, we were schoolmates. Yes, schoolmates.. I'm one year ahead of her. More gossips. More facts about our former school. More facts about the things she know, she's a wide reader. That's why I was amaze on her!
When I got home, I share to my mom the offer my friend told me. Then there she elaborated me the real state if I continue there. 

• too far from our subdivision
• fare is too expensive (triple or four ride from home)

Heck yeah, then there, I saw her point. 

I was so impulsive when I heard the urgent hiring, I can say.

Week after, my friend ask me if I passed my requirement to the said school. And I said my excuses but I promise to do the move. I invited my friends, Queenie and Ymari, to pass with me their requirements.

This day, we visited the recommended school. Around 10, they arrived at my mom's office. So, I told them that after lunch we will proceed to the school since they will have their lunch break too. They told me that they will also send their requirements in Jollibee near Matina Town Square, and so they did. As well as, we took our lunch there. We were talking random things. After eating, we decided to go the school. It was truly a journey. We ride a jeepney then ride a motorcycle. Imagine, we were three passenger in a motorcycle, overall we were four together with the four. IT IS A JOURNEY. It's too far from the city.

As we arrived there, we were too hesitant and nervous to pass our requirements but we need the guts to do it immediately because we contracted the driver of the motorcycle that he will fetch us as we leave the school. And so, we did.

It was a quick appointment though. We passed our requirements to someone in the finance office and she told us that she will bring it to the guidance counselor. We waited more for minutes. Nervous, sweating, murmuring words "are you sure of this?". She got out and told us to come back tomorrow for examination, it will be whole day, bring lunch. That's it. We thanked her and smiled. She smiled back.

When we get out of the office heading the gate.. we were still in daze. We can't believe what we've done. Is it even for real?

Ymari told us that she won't be coming tomorrow because it's so costly and she's not even sure of it. She don't want to tell anyone she applied because if she won't pass, no one would expect anything about her. She even stopped Queenie from taking photo of the visitor's ID pass number 026 because it will be a proof that we've applied. Yes, that's her. She is really like that. ☺

Tonight, we'll be talking about this with my parents. We'll be settling this down.

But, I will still take the examinations, I don't wanna fail my friend who offered me this job opportunity.

Actually, I feel like I'm torn between my friends. I can't let anyone down. I'll be honest. I want to try the feeling applying of job. Srsly. 

A Sky Full of Stars.

My last post was about my graduation, graduation blues and every priorities for my future.
Now, I just wanna share my conversation with my mom about job hunting.

Me: Ma, did you get tita's digits? *referring about the character reference in my resume*Mom: How about your review? I thought you'll be having your NCII (National Certificate)
Me: But I'm pressured on how you rub it in my face that I need income to sustain my extra curricular activities.
Mom: Well, yeah. You always ask for allowance.
*inside my head... that's why I need to pursue this applying thing*
Me: I also want to experience the interview process in job hunting.

In spite of the dark times, where I can't have what I want because they always stressed out on me that I'm not an income generating person. Yes, I know. You don't have to emphasize to me. Just please. Stop. 
Actually, there are a lot of opportunities shared to me these pass days. Some would recommend me to apply in this school because they are hiring elementary teachers. Private schools, to be exact. Yes, private schools are for experience to enter the DepEd culture.
I always have that plan but I am too lazy and I always procrastinate when it comes to time to do the thing. I always make reasons and excuses that I still don't have the enough information for my resume. Lame excuses, yes. Because I don't want to pressure myself in doing the things I know I can't be comfortable with. But I believe in going out your comfort shoes. Yes. I'll be putting enough effort to get what I need and want.