Fix You.

I need this right now.
I need to put this on words.
I need this to lessen my negative vibes.
I need to express myself right now.
I need to escape from reality for a while.

Yes, I've been officially employed at my dream school... St. Paul College of Pasig (Davao Campus)
Yes, I was overwhelmed by the sudden news.
Yes, I felt productive, bless and happiness this very day.
YET...
I thought of someone, someone who would feel being left behind. Someone who will think she's not belong to the group. Someone who will think when we are gathered, she will be out of place.
That someone is my friend, one of my colleagues in college.
I've always thought of her. Since the very day we sent our resume and application letter. The day she proclaimed the disappointment she have when we went to the institution. It was hassle, hard to reach place and all.
That very day, I saw in her eyes the discouragement.
That very day, she was so transparent on what will happen for the next days if we will continue.
That very day, she lost the interest she should have as a fresh graduate.
That very day, I gave up on motivating her.
That very day, I said to myself... "I've made my part."

And now, I was on the midst of realizations...

• Left behind.
• Out of place.
• Not belong.
• Being hurt.
• Self-pity.

I don't mean to make her feel like that.... but look what's happening now?
I told my friends. Our circle of friends. And they always say... "Claire, you've made your part. We've made our part. We motivated her, she was the one who gave up."
Half of me, saying: "Don't give up. She needs someone who could understand her. You know her personality for the last 4 years, stand on her side."
The other half saying, "She gave up. She lost her interest. Just let her decide on her own."

This is going insane.
I could be insane anytime.
This feeling is insane.


Now, I'm trying to recover. I'm trying to cheer up. I'm trying to fix you.
But, I don't know how. I don't know how to approach you. I don't know how to make you feel better.
I don't want to let you feel pity about yourself. I don't want you to think you're hopeless. I don't want you to think it's over.

Remember friend, if you need to talk to me. I'm very much open. If you think I'm too busy listening to your regrets. Well, you've got it wrong. I'll make time, listening to you. I'll let you say all your frustrations. I'll listen. If you need advice, I could give anything but don't expect that I can cure it.
I care. I don't cure.

Still, I'm blessed that I've got my position on my dream institution. My first love. I feel so great being part of their team. Thank you for the abundant grace and blessings, oh Lord! I offer these all for You. I'll do my very best to be more flexible in every thing. This would be my training ground, turning point. This experience will not be easy but with your guidance and provision, I can do it all.

Caritas Christi Urget Nos

At the Beginning.

Every beginning has its ending.Every ending has its reason.Every reason that will start again on new chapter of your life.Every life that has many opportunities.Every opportunities that would change your decisions in life.

Today, I decided to give my shot at the recommended school my co-YFC told me. She told me last time, during our discovery camp, that the school her mom was working in was urgently hiring for teachers. My instant reply was "thank you for the offer". It was really a blessing. Because of what she shared, we become instant best friends. We have long, night conversations and we were next to each other before we sleep. Fortunately, we came from same school in Elementary, we were schoolmates. Yes, schoolmates.. I'm one year ahead of her. More gossips. More facts about our former school. More facts about the things she know, she's a wide reader. That's why I was amaze on her!
When I got home, I share to my mom the offer my friend told me. Then there she elaborated me the real state if I continue there. 

• too far from our subdivision
• fare is too expensive (triple or four ride from home)

Heck yeah, then there, I saw her point. 

I was so impulsive when I heard the urgent hiring, I can say.

Week after, my friend ask me if I passed my requirement to the said school. And I said my excuses but I promise to do the move. I invited my friends, Queenie and Ymari, to pass with me their requirements.

This day, we visited the recommended school. Around 10, they arrived at my mom's office. So, I told them that after lunch we will proceed to the school since they will have their lunch break too. They told me that they will also send their requirements in Jollibee near Matina Town Square, and so they did. As well as, we took our lunch there. We were talking random things. After eating, we decided to go the school. It was truly a journey. We ride a jeepney then ride a motorcycle. Imagine, we were three passenger in a motorcycle, overall we were four together with the four. IT IS A JOURNEY. It's too far from the city.

As we arrived there, we were too hesitant and nervous to pass our requirements but we need the guts to do it immediately because we contracted the driver of the motorcycle that he will fetch us as we leave the school. And so, we did.

It was a quick appointment though. We passed our requirements to someone in the finance office and she told us that she will bring it to the guidance counselor. We waited more for minutes. Nervous, sweating, murmuring words "are you sure of this?". She got out and told us to come back tomorrow for examination, it will be whole day, bring lunch. That's it. We thanked her and smiled. She smiled back.

When we get out of the office heading the gate.. we were still in daze. We can't believe what we've done. Is it even for real?

Ymari told us that she won't be coming tomorrow because it's so costly and she's not even sure of it. She don't want to tell anyone she applied because if she won't pass, no one would expect anything about her. She even stopped Queenie from taking photo of the visitor's ID pass number 026 because it will be a proof that we've applied. Yes, that's her. She is really like that. ☺

Tonight, we'll be talking about this with my parents. We'll be settling this down.

But, I will still take the examinations, I don't wanna fail my friend who offered me this job opportunity.

Actually, I feel like I'm torn between my friends. I can't let anyone down. I'll be honest. I want to try the feeling applying of job. Srsly. 

A Sky Full of Stars.

My last post was about my graduation, graduation blues and every priorities for my future.
Now, I just wanna share my conversation with my mom about job hunting.

Me: Ma, did you get tita's digits? *referring about the character reference in my resume*Mom: How about your review? I thought you'll be having your NCII (National Certificate)
Me: But I'm pressured on how you rub it in my face that I need income to sustain my extra curricular activities.
Mom: Well, yeah. You always ask for allowance.
*inside my head... that's why I need to pursue this applying thing*
Me: I also want to experience the interview process in job hunting.

In spite of the dark times, where I can't have what I want because they always stressed out on me that I'm not an income generating person. Yes, I know. You don't have to emphasize to me. Just please. Stop. 
Actually, there are a lot of opportunities shared to me these pass days. Some would recommend me to apply in this school because they are hiring elementary teachers. Private schools, to be exact. Yes, private schools are for experience to enter the DepEd culture.
I always have that plan but I am too lazy and I always procrastinate when it comes to time to do the thing. I always make reasons and excuses that I still don't have the enough information for my resume. Lame excuses, yes. Because I don't want to pressure myself in doing the things I know I can't be comfortable with. But I believe in going out your comfort shoes. Yes. I'll be putting enough effort to get what I need and want.

Fresh to Raw.

Heck yeah!
So last April 22, 2016, I just graduated from curse course taken.

CLAIRE FATIMA C. CAGOCO

USEP

BEED GEN. ED.

NOGRALES SCHOLARSHIP AWARDEE

BATCH 2016

So here... I ended my college life. I've been successfully March this April in an entourage. When you see it... then you do!

BTW, as part of graduating. You need to contemplate about life, failures and success. You have to think about your future plans, becoming more mature in your decisions in life.

FRESH graduate to RAW unemployed. You see that thing o'er there?!

Truth hurts. Well, acceptance it is.

I'm now currently experiencing the difficult stage of my life. Plans in the future. Which priorities I should do first? Service? LET Review? Job hunting? Enjoy travelling? Those choices which should be weighed carefully. I want to do this... but I can't. There are many buts. Like in my service, I want to be more active but I should still find a job to sustain the financial matters e.g. fare, registration, etc. In LET Review, I still can't decide which review center I will take.... I still can't decide which is which, will I get the prestigious one with all the most of topnotcher's review center or stay with my alma mater's learning review center... or find more review center. SRSLY?! I don't even know. Job hunting, I always have prospect schools but I still can't give my whole attention because my mom wants some high positioned friends to be put in character references. She has more plans for me. Travelling, I can't do this because I still don't have income for me to waste all those time with my loved ones. 

I think it will all come down on being an unemployed "career" woman right now.

I'm hurt on the fact that I can't get all that I want because I still don't have that money I need.

I believe that money can't buy your happiness... but let's think about it, money can buy the things you need and want. So it all boils down of having money. I want to be that income generating person as of the moment....

But, I don't want to pressure myself on doing the things I know I'm not willing to give my effort and time with. I want to enjoy what I have as of the moment. Not to the extent of having the YOLO moments, but I really want to enjoy and take some rest from those 14 years of staying at school, waking up early, late night sleeps because of home works, projects and school stuffs. I want to free myself to that stress where I've been living. Because I know what my chosen career is still related to school. Yes, learning is a lifetime process. I believe... That's why when you're a teacher, you'll be forever student, learner.

Well, I'm not closing my doors on new knowledge and skills... that's why I am trying to have my Nominal Certificates as of the moments. Training in SMAW (Steel Metal Arc Welding) yet I still want to have some cookery course or housekeeping. That would be interesting. Welding is so challenging. :) It's so cool to know that there's a professional welder woman. Say whuuut?!

So, I think I better end it here.

Love 360.

Last night, we had our Year-end Campus Party at Kadayawan Hall, NCCC Mall. We had our Holy Eucharist before we proceed to the program proper. There were production number, roll calling of campuses and "Your Face Sounds Familiar" segment for this event. Talented YFC people from different campuses showcased their talents. 

Some of the designs for the event. Congrats logistic for have a great concept after all! ☺

 The backdrop of last night's event. I could really testify the talents, skills and abilities of Youth for Christ. In every aspect they amaze me. And I'm proud that I am one of them. :)

    

   

My friends, my classmates, my YFC-USEP friends. It feels so good that we're having a bigger family now. From 3-4 up to 13 classmates being brought to the organization which honed my spiritual life. I'm proud to say that I'm one of the people who invited them to join youth camp. And look now, they're enjoying a clean party. They're living the 4F's and the 7 advocacies of being a YFC. They are one of my inspiration to be better in my service.

CTTO Catherine Cirunay & Charmaine Geraldez facebook albums

Marching Place.

Late this February we had a talk with my brother. It was brownout then. We were left at home. It was a serious conversation tho.

My brother open up his future plans as he live again here in Davao. So, I listened to him carefully.
Brother: Sister, graduate faster.
Me: Why?
Bro: Because I want to study again.
Me: *reacted violently* What? My plan in life is to study-graduate-have a job and you, you want to go to school again.
Bro: I want to study again. I want to be "palamunin". I want to have allowance again. I want to feel that again.
Me: Cut that daydreaming bro. You have a job now and you'll leave it for better. You gotta find new and stable job now.
Bro: No, I'm tired of my life. I want to hang here in the house. Nothing to do. Or just plainly a student, again.
Me: I won't agree on that. If you really want to. Then tell mom about your plans.
Bro: *being emotional* You don't know how hard it was when I was in Cavite. I ate regularly at 711 and fast food chains.It was so hard that I don't have parents there. You should know my sacrifices for you just to send you to school.
Me: I didn't even ask you to do that bro. You should know.
Bro: Why can't you give what I've given you?
Me: Stop it.... Okay, okay. I'll send you to school. I'll provide you your needs but in one condition. I will only sponsor you 1 year of schooling.
Bro: Ah! No one ever graduated within one year sis. I'll proceed engineering.
Me: Then go to TESDA. 5 years is to long. Get a life bro!
Bro: Here's the deal. You will pay my tuition fee and mom will shoulder my allowance. Or vice versa.
Me: Hey, don't include me in your delusion. Cut the drama!

I was like... Was I a burden to him? Was I a responsibility to him?I never thought about it. It never cross in my mind.I felt sorry for him. I was, that very moment.

Nostalgia.

Today, I was reminded on the things I should prioritize. The things I should give more attention than the other things. I was trying to arrange my priorities. Like:

• doing of 8 lesson plans
• doing of lacked entries for daily journal
• intervene on our CAR
• start doing portfolio matters
• think of things I should buy for Grade 1 Rose for token
• prepare myself for separation anxiety
• say goodbye to good practicum days

Those list made me realize that I'm already in the 70% of my graduation. The 30% left was all about my paper works that should be giving much attention for the moment. We will be leaving the Teodoro Palma Gil Elementary School for 3 days from now. 

Probably, I'm expecting for a "separation anxiety" feels. I will be finding those times where I will be waking up early to see those annoying, fun, little kids waiting for me. Those times where I will impart some knowledge to their minds. Those times where I engage myself to their level. Those times where I could be childish with them. Those times where I am in command because they look up to me (as a student-teacher). Those times where I will make my voice louder to get their attention. Those times where I will cuddle them when I'm bored, when I'm sleepy. Those times will be missed. Those times will always be remembered. Those times are worth treasuring.

Currently, I opened Youtube and searched Triangulo by Yumi Lacsama, Thyro Alfaro ft Jeric Medina after that was The Scientist by Coldplay and autoplay start. I miss those songs from 5 or more years today. I was listening to it now.

♫ NP: Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5 ♫

First post for this year.

For the past 1 month and 18 days, I've decided to update this blog again. I missed this.
I've been so busy lately. I've been busy doing school works. I've been busy wasting my time in front of the monitor, doing my lesson plans. I've been busy updating my Instagram account. I've been busy doing my daily journals. I've been busy doing my responsibility as a pre-service teacher @ Palma Gil Elementary School.
All those things, I've been doing for the past months.

Anyways, I have to update my blog. So, let me start it.

March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
January

Those months have passed. Everything had change. As I have experienced different problems within those months.
Together with sadness. Together worries. Together with doubts.
Together with solutions. Together with happiness. Together with certainty. Together with ease.
I am very much grateful that I'm guided with people around me.